Hey dude! Yes, you over there. How are you doing today? Actually wait, I don't want my tone to convey that I'm in any way trying to be friendly with you. In fact, I quite despise you and I'll be sure to shoot you an evil stare when we cross paths.
But before glares can be exchanged, I'll have to get out of this unnecessary traffic jam first. The congestion which you started purely because of your own selfish actions.
I'm sure you're just sitting in your car and playing on your smartphone, updating your Facebook status with something like, "Gee, why are so many drivers honking today? #RoadRage #BKKDrivers #Agro".
But if you took a moment to stop being such a self-absorbed d**k, you would realise they are beeping at you.
Well, because you decided to be that driver who is blocking the entire traffic flow because of your one self-serving action. And that's not cool dude.
Your behaviour comes in many annoying forms. You could be the car that's trying to (illegally) U-turn from the middle lane, but the traffic light hasn't turned green in your favour.
You could be the huge bus that's trying to cut across three lanes of traffic, but gets stuck because you don't have enough space to manoeuvre.
You could be the van that drives against traffic in order to overtake all the other cars stuck in your lane, but then ends up causing more congestion on both sides of the road.
You could be the driver who waits till the last possible moment to cut into a turn lane, but gets the timing completely off and is left in limbo between two lanes.
The end result is all the same — because you can't successfully execute your inconsiderate driving action, you cause a backlog of traffic that can't move until you do.
Driving in Bangkok can already be ranked as one of the most frustrating daily experiences, evoking similar feelings as when a food vendor gives you a disproportionate amount of rice to curry, or when a mosquito buzzes near your ear while you're trying to sleep.
No one gets in their car to enjoy a calm, peaceful journey through a well-maintained city. It's more like taking a ride on Satan's hairy, blister-filled back and trying to dodge all the hellish obstacles that will pop up.
That's why, in my opinion, traffic-causing drivers like you are the worst.
Do you know why? Because your bad conduct can be entirely prevented! Do you know how? You just have to stop doing it!
So what if you have to wait a few extra minutes (OK fine, sometimes hours) before you can get to the front of the traffic line? Changing lanes or being able to turn aren't privileges created especially for you, so you could be a bit more considerate. Plus, don't you realise that your impatience only leads to a huger traffic fiasco?!
There are already so many negative road factors we have to deal with on a daily basis. There's the ridiculous reality that there's always tons of traffic when it rains. That's sometimes followed by the terrifying truth that some tree/pole/billboard may fall during a storm, causing even more jams.
Then there's stuff like police doing a horrendous job at directing cars, traffic lights staying red for 2,800 seconds and general driving douchebaggery. These are all reasons we have (kinda) accepted and come to terms with as part of the driving experience.
But in these cases, it's a combination of things, not one a**hole causing the entire problem.
If you are an offender, I can only hope you heed this plea and try to drive better for all our sakes. If not, well, then I hope the air-con in your vehicle stops working on a particularly hot day.