The announcement that smoking is to be banned on many of Thailand's beaches is most welcome. One of the pleasures of sitting on a beach is to is enjoy fresh sea breezes, not to suffer cigarette smoke wafting up your nostrils.
And these days there's a good chance it's cigarette butts and not sand that you find between your toes. Admittedly there is plenty of other trash and unmentionable sludge on the beaches that cause even more serious problems. But at least the fag ban is a start.
Bit of a worry is exactly how they plan to enforce this non-smoking rule. Are Thai beaches to get their own cigarette police? It seems rather a waste of manpower.
And could there just be a possibility that the enforcers might turn a blind eye if a few red notes are left on the deckchairs?
However, there is one possible alternative to having the unpleasant sight of Sgt Plods roaming the beaches waiting to pounce on tourists having a sneaky puff. We must turn to the thoughts of English physician Tobias Venner, who back in the 17th century wrote: "Tobacco drieth the brain, dimmeth the sight, vivateth the smell, hurteh the stomach, disturbeth the humours, corrupteth the breath, induces a trembling of the limbs, scorcheth the heart and causes the blood to be adjusted."
If they put this message on prominently placed signs at every Thai beach, even the most hardened smoker might think twice about having a clandestine puff.
Hot pursuit
Mention of cigarette butts brings to mind the tale of an Australian colleague and the thesakij, or "cigarette police", as they are known in Bangkok.
The journalist had just got off the skytrain at Nana and lit a cigarette while walking to the bank. He became aware of a uniformed gentleman taking more than a passing interest in him and realised the fellow was following him. He was careful not to throw away his cigarette butt and kept his eyes open in vain for a litter bin somewhere.
As he reached the bank, he stubbed the cigarette into the dirt of a large potted plant outside the bank and headed inside.
After finishing his transaction, the Aussie noticed his pursuer was still lurking outside the bank, so he slipped out the side door. However, he failed to outwit the diligent official, who ambushed him, waving the rogue cigarette butt and announcing a 2,000 baht fine would be paid forthwith.
End of story -- not quite.
Tea money
The Aussie's explanation that there were no litter bins fell on deaf ears and they walked to a booth to continue negotiations. The conversation in Thai was reasonably relaxed and after a while the official had a brief confab with his comrades. He returned with a surprise solution.
"We like green tea," he announced with a grin. Now that was a far cry from the original 2,000 baht fine. So the Aussie nipped into a nearby 7-11 and returned with four bottles of green tea that he handed over to the happy officials. Case closed.
It is only "tea money" after all.
Blame it on Sir Walter
The person responsible for all this cigarette mess is Sir Walter Raleigh, who introduced tobacco to civilisation back in the 16th century after a jaunt to South America.
During the 1960s, US comedian Bob Newhart performed a wonderful skit on this topic, featuring an official from England taking an imaginary phone call from "Nutty Walt" about his wonderful discovery.
A brief extract: "You can chew it, or put it in a pipe? Or you can shred it up and put it in a piece of paper and roll it up -- don't tell me. Walt, don't tell me -- you stick it in your ear, right Walt? Oh, between your lips! Then what do you do to it? (Giggling) You set fire to it! And then what do you do, Walt? You inhale the smoke! Walt, we have been a little worried about you. You're gonna have a tough time getting people to stuff burning leaves in their mouth."
But that's exactly what millions have been doing for the past four centuries.
Just one more
As a teenager, I was put off smoking after hearing a novelty song in 1963 about how difficult it is to give up the habit. It was called My Last Cigarette and performed by English actress Sheila Hancock.
I saw her sing it on TV, spluttering and wheezing between verses. It was enough to put you off smoking for life.
One verse is enough:
Tobacco, tobacco, I hate you I do
Like Venus I'd look, if it wasn't for you
But I'll give up the habit, I will even yet
When I've just had one more cigarette.
Revenge of the Blob
We must not forget the valiant efforts of our old friend the Blob, which has taken a leading role in Thailand's war on cigarettes. Everyone must have seen the absurd Blob in action on Thai TV racing around in pursuit of actors smoking in movies.
This past week the Blob has been in splendid form in the film The Nice Guys, shown by TrueVisions. Poor old Ryan Gosling, who has a cigarette hanging out of his mouth for much of the film, has been well and truly BLOBBED!
Contact Postscript via email at oldcrutch@gmail.com