Five years ago there was a report in the Bangkok Post with the authorities announcing a high-speed rail link from Bangkok to Pattaya would be running by 2018, with flashy trains whizzing along at 250kph. We were informed the train would whisk you to the beach resort in under one hour. Frankly, the thought of hurtling towards Pattaya at such great speed was a bit too scary for most people. Pattaya is the sort of place you need to ease into gently, preparing yourself for the mental challenge that awaits.
But there were three words in the report that offered a reality check. The project would go ahead "barring any problems". And there was the rub. Those three innocent words can mean so much in Thailand.
Fast forward to last week and the inaugural trip of a special weekend tourist train service from Bangkok to Pattaya. It's not quite the "bullet train" that the report envisaged five years ago, but the two-and-a half hour journey was acceptable considering the existing regular daily train often takes up to four hours and can give you a serious case of the "Numb Bum Syndrome".
The new train is air conditioned and certainly looks a lot smarter and cleaner than the regular ancient rolling stock, and at 170 baht it is not too expensive. But one concern is what happens to all these happy tourists after alighting at Pattaya station which is some distance from the town, leaving them at the mercy of all those delightful baht bus drivers. That's something I suspect the VIPs on the inaugural train did not experience.
I would like to suggest that this new service be called "The Pattaya Thunderbolt", for reasons I will now explain …
The Lion of Titfield
I've always enjoyed riding trains, particularly with steam locomotives. It may well have been the influence of one of the first films my parents took me to see, The Titfield Thunderbolt, starring Stanley Holloway and released in 1953. It is a classic British comedy featuring a group of villagers trying to save their branch line from the axe.
The real star of the show is a lovely antique tank engine, which among other things has to overcome a nasty steamroller which is used by the bad guys to block the line. The engine used in the film, Lion, was built in 1838 and was 114 years old at the time of filming. The film is great fun and still extremely watchable.
One wonders if the railway authorities in Thailand would not be better off having a "Pattaya Thunderbolt" using a steam engine. It might even become a tourist attraction in itself. Who could resist a trip to the seaside on a train with a name like that? And because it might be a bit on the slow side, it would prepare passengers nicely for the delights of Pattaya.
Hopefully, it wouldn't face any steamroller blocking the line, although in Thailand you can never be sure.
Last train to London
At least you don't get preached to on Thai trains. On a visit to England, the wife and I took a train from Axminster in Devon to Waterloo. It was a very smooth ride, if expensive. The only downside of the journey was a woman who stood up in the central aisle shortly after we got going and proceeded to give a lengthy "Wages of Sin" speech, forecasting the end of the world with plenty of references to heathens, Satan and whatnot.
In a typical example of British reserve, all the passengers simply pretended she wasn't there and instead buried their heads in their newspaper crossword or smartphone. It felt a bit like a Monty Python sketch and I half expected to see John Cleese put in an appearance and start doing a silly walk or try to sell a dead parrot.
I was a bit concerned what my Thai wife would make of this British eccentricity, but I needn't have worried. She was blissfully asleep the entire journey.
The age of steam
Something I have noticed on recent travels in Thailand is that the road signs for railways crossings still depict a rather quaint steam train chugging along, smoke belching out of the chimney. It's quite heartening that the old choo-choo trains haven't entirely been forgotten. When I was first here, majestic steam engines were still pulling the expresses and the engineers regularly gave them a good polish.
The State Railways of Thailand should not get too dispirited by criticism -- it happens around the world. When British Rail was trying to boost its image in the 1980s it came up with an advertising campaign with posters proclaiming "This Is The Age Of The Train". The travelling public, however, were not convinced. On one poster a disgruntled passenger had scrawled "Ours was 104".
All aboard 'The Pattaya Thunderbolt'.
A favourite news item from England concerns a ticket collector at Dover station who was in the habit of saying "Goodnight Jim" to a regular commuter on an evening train. After four years of exchanging pleasantries, one night the passenger suddenly went berserk, taking a swing at the ticket collector, knocking him unconscious and putting him out of work for a fortnight.
In court a few weeks later, when asked to explain this unexpected outburst of violence, the passenger blurted out, "My name is Bert, not Jim!"
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