It was Oscar Wilde who famously observed "the only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it," which is my excuse for munching on a free doughnut proffered by staffers at a bakery in Bangkok last week. It was only a little one and wasn't that tasty -- too much sugar -- but I still scoffed it down, quietly cursing Mr Wilde's seductive bon mot.
It may surprise readers that Thailand is regarded as among the world's leading doughnut nations -- "donuts" to American readers. (The English seem to take a particular joy out of making what should be such easy spellings so complicated). But I digress.
In 2011, an international doughnut convention -- yes, they do have such things -- was held in Bangkok. One of the world's top doughnut authorities praised Thailand for its stance on those sugary lumps of fried dough. The "doughnutologist" told the Bangkok Post: "Thailand is the role model for innovative doughnut development."
Not a lot of people know that.
As one of our business editors commented at the time: "Finally something world class for Thailand to celebrate."
With an election on the horizon, dozens of political parties have been registering and one wonders if the prestige associated with doughnuts could be utilised in the political arena. Maybe it could spark the emergence of the Thai Doughnut Development Party which could be a big hit with voters, with a manifesto guaranteeing full stomachs for everyone. There would even be a possibility of a National Doughnut Day.
The Doughnut Party would have an immediate advantage over their rivals as they have a ready-made campaign song, the old Crystal Gayle hit Doughnuts Make My Brown Eyes Blue.
Buns and peanuts
Ms Gayle's doughnuts bring us lurching back to the wonderful world of aural malapropisms, otherwise known as mondegreens, which featured in PostScript last week. My thanks to readers who have contributed their own misheard lyrics. One from the past which caught the eye, partly because it is a close relation to doughnuts, came from a reader who thought that Percy Sledge, in his classic, When a Man Loves a Woman, was singing "trying to hold on to your hot cross buns," rather than the correct "trying to hold on to your precious love."
Maintaining the food theme was a reader who thought one line in the Four Seasons song, Let's Hang On, went "got a lot of lovely peanuts" rather than "got a lot of love between us".
One line that is frequently misheard comes from Kenny Rogers' hit Lucille. The lament from the husband that his wife has left him with "four hungry children and a crop in the field" was misheard by some as the somewhat more dramatic "four hundred children and a croc in the field".
Sick owls and salmon
The Beach Boys hit Help Me Rhonda appeared to be a source of confusion with one reader who heard it as "Since you put me down there have been owls puking in my head". Revolting though it sounds, it makes as much sense as the original "I've been out doing in my head."
Another enjoyed the Roger Walters song It's a Miracle, which he thought went "She said she'd meet me in the garden, I've got salmon in my ear," which admittedly sounds like the sort of lyrics Walters would come up with. Alas, Walters was singing "She said she would meet me in the garden of Gethsemane, my dear."
I particularly like one from a lady who thought that in Loving You, Robert Palmer was singing, "I've got a backache from loving you" rather than "bad case of loving you".
Fleas and chickens
Living in Thailand, we have been fortunate enough to be treated to a feast of mondegreens. I remember a friendly old Bangkok taxi driver bursting forth with a unique rendition of Danny Boy, which included "Oh Danny Boy, the pies, the pies are calling."
Variations on mondegreens can be heard in any Thai cocktail lounge featuring a vocalist. One reader recalls a local singer attempting to sing "Born free, as free as the winds blows" only to come out with "Born flea, flea as the windows".
Another recalls a combo in Sri Racha who would sing the Beatles song Ticket to Ride with commendable enthusiasm, except that it always came out as "she's got a chicken to ride."
But it's still hard to beat the much-loved long-standing Thai mondegreens of Moon Liver, Yellow Liver and the Marilyn Monroe hit Liver of No Return.
Duck and Bingo
Another source of great song titles used to be those cheap cassette tapes that would get all chewed up after about two plays. One Christmas I came across a tape of Andy Williams singing Away in a Manager. Then there was that Bee Gees classic, I Stared at a Joke, plus a jazz selection by the great "Duck Ellington". But perhaps the most appropriate song title for Bangkok came from a cassette by Police entitled Massage in a Bottle.
A reader discovered in a Vietnam karaoke establishment the song Tie a Yellow Robbin Round the Old Oak Tree which might upset a few ornithologists. In the same country an establishment features the standard, Stranglers in the Night, while you may also get to sing You're Sixteenaccompanied by one of the surviving Beatles, "Bingo Starr".
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