I'm not exactly a fan of weddings, but it was almost impossible to escape last week's knees-up at Windsor Castle with ball-by-ball coverage on the major cable stations. Horses, hats, castles, queens, princesses, lords and ladies, dukes and duchesses and Elton John. Even the weather behaved. The Brits still know how to put on a good show. At least it was more entertaining than the FA Cup final which followed.
The UK newspapers loved it and we got a taste of what we were in for when the Sun featured a pix of the bride-to-be with the headline "I'm Getting Harryed in the Morning". After that things could only improve and thankfully when the big day came the headlines were a bit more tasteful, if on the saccharine side. As the weekend progressed the Sun could not resist more painful puns including "Harry and Glorious" and "Making Kisstory".
Putting an Australian angle on the event was the Darwin-based newspaper Sunday Territorian which came up with "I now pronounce you Ginger Megs", a reference to the cartoon strip character Down Under.
When the couple were taking their vows at the altar, I suspect they had to shut out of their minds the wonderful scene from Four Weddings and a Funeral when Rowan Atkinson as the bumbling minister, totally botches the lines. The Archbishop of Canterbury's voice sounded uncannily like Atkinson, but thankfully he didn't fluff his script and there were no "Holy Goats".
At the start of proceedings you could have been forgiven for thinking it was the annual convention of People Wearing Silly Hats. There hadn't been such a fanciful display of female headgear since My Fair Lady. Some of the hats adopted such strange angles it looked like they had crashlanded on their respective aristocratic hairdos.
The preacher man
The commentators understandably sounded a bit weary after a while, although there was a brief flurry of excitement when Oprah Winfrey couldn't find her seat. But they had their moments. One of the CNN crew suddenly announced "Breaking News! I've just seen Victorian Beckham smile". There was also a discerning comment in the Guardian as Prince William and Prince Harry sat together in the chapel, nervously awaiting Meghan's entrance. The newspaper observed "the royal brothers looked like substitutes on the bench."
It was quite entertaining watching the British reaction to the almost evangelist-style sermon by the American preacher. They were not used to this sort of thing and there was some uncomfortable shifting in the seats amongst some members of the congregation. The best observation on the preacher came from American actor Josh Gad who tweeted "It's like watching Metallica doing a concert in the Old Globe''. The preacher had a fine message, but went on a bit too long. At least it gave viewers the chance to nip out to the kitchen and make a reassuring cup of tea, probably English Breakfast.
Sweet-smelling pageboys
One entertaining moment came when a pageboy, with a striking resemblance to Macaulay (Home Alone) Culkin, reacted open-mouthed when he heard the first fanfare of trumpets as they entered the chapel.
It reminded me of when, at the age of five I was a pageboy, for my Auntie Margaret and Uncle Ray in Aldershot. I recall reeking of cheap perfume after having been cuddled, hugged, squeezed, kissed and otherwise smothered by well-meaning aunts and guests. Mind you, I did look rather cute in a white satin shirt and trousers with matching white socks and shoes. Alas, we didn't have a fanfare of trumpets as we entered the church, but I do recall plenty of dodgy hats.
The pageboys at Harry and Meghan's event probably emerged smelling of fragrances of a more sophisticated nature than I experienced. No Marks & Sparks cut-price perfumes amongst the guests at Windsor Castle.
Fit for a prince
There are plenty of tacky Harry and Meghan wedding souvenirs, of course, with the usual mugs, tea towels, place mats, key rings and "Sparkle Like Markle" jewellery. You can even buy a special limited edition of a heart-shaped Dunkin Donut. If you are really desperate there is a life-size cardboard cutout of the happy couple.
We must not forget the tastefully decorated package of Crown Jewel Condoms that are naturally "fit for a prince". When you open the box you are greeted to the strains of God Save the Queen and The Star Spangled Banner, along with the irresistible message for customers, "lie back and think of England".
Seven years ago Kate and William wedding souvenirs were just as kitschy including a picture of the happy couple on a toilet seat cover and souvenir sick bags in case you felt like throwing up during the proceedings.
Good times, bad times
I've attended numerous wedding receptions in Thailand and they can be quite entertaining. The highlight is invariably when it is announced that the buffet is open, sparking a mad stampede that resembles the Charge of the Light Brigade. It can actually be quite scary, and on one occasion I remember a couple of hi-so guests almost coming to blows in the scramble for giant prawns.
I also recall at one reception I attended the bride singing For The Good Times, a dirge about a couple breaking up. It seemed a curious choice of song for newlyweds as she warbled "Don't look so sad, I know it's over".
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