Unless you have been in hibernation you will be aware that Thailand is currently hosting the 2018 Miss Universe contest which climaxes tomorrow at the less-than-entertaining hour of 7am, presumably to cater to primetime audiences in the United States.
We've seen the 94 beautiful contestants grinning from ear to ear and doing all sorts of useful things, like promoting silk weaving and cooking their own exotic Thai dishes. They have also been spotted dipping their toes into the pristine waters of Koh Larn, visiting temples and palaces and even taking a few selfies. They are just like any other tourists really, although it is unlikely these ladies have been subjected to any two-tier pricing. They have also revealed some mind-boggling national costumes, some of which must have been a challenge just to stand up in, let alone parade across the stage.
For all its undoubted glamour, the Miss Universe contest still has some way to go to upstage certain Thai beauty pageants. Over the years we have appreciated the charms of such winners as Miss Pineapple, Miss Coconut, Miss Watermelon and the irresistible Miss Sticky Rice. And we must not forget the splendidly named Miss Grasshopper.
But the cream of the crop has to be the Miss Thida Larb Muang beauty contest in Chiang Mai. Alas, it somehow doesn't sound quite so appealing when translated roughly as Miss Cooked Pork and Fresh Pig's Blood.
Winning by a nose
Despite the record number of countries represented this year, it is hard to shake off the feeling that Thailand is perhaps more enthusiastic about beauty contests than most.
Local pageants do have their moments though. It is not unknown for there to be allegations of a fix -- the very thought. On one occasion there was mayhem when a crestfallen, losing Thai beauty had the temerity to snatch the tiara off the head of the winner, which was actually by far the most entertaining moment of the entire pageant.
Then, there is always the debate about noses. For some reason, a disproportionate number of Thai winners seem to have acquired farang noses. A few years ago there was considerable controversy in a Miss Thailand contest concerning the lack of genuine Thai noses. There was hardly an original jah mook to be seen. Nearly all of the contestants were sporting ghastly farang-style hooters, courtesy of some plastic surgeon.
Pook and Pui
Thailand's representative, Sophida Kanchanarin, will be hoping she can follow in the footsteps of former Miss Universe winners from Thailand -- Apasara "Pook" Hongsakul, in 1965 and Pornthip "Pui" Nakhiranikanok in 1988 -- still probably two of the most popular ladies in the Kingdom.
When Ms Pui returned to Bangkok after winning the title in Taipei, there were chaotic scenes with assorted bigwigs tripping over one another in an attempt to be associated with her triumph. Ms Pornthip's sister was even knocked down in the scramble. The scenes at Don Mueang airport where huge crowds greeted her were unbelievable.
Ms Pui commented later, "I turned to my mother and told her 'Now I know how the Beatles felt'." Probably the most memorable welcome ever was for Ms Pook, whose victory 53 years ago earned her almost-goddess status in Thailand. An estimated 150,000 people turned out to greet her in Bangkok when she returned from the United States, creating a record traffic jam (alas, since broken many times).
The flying vegetable
Believe it or not, I was once a judge at a beauty contest in Bangkok many years ago. It was at the Patpong Mardi Gras arranged by the Rotary Club in the late 1970s. It wasn't the worst job in the world, but was much harder work than one might imagine. It can be quite demanding looking at beautiful ladies for hours on end, and with the event being held outdoors, I had worked up quite a thirst by the end of proceedings.
The contest was incidentally won by Miss Noi, an attractive Patpong dancer who had a brief role in the Oscar-winning film The Deerhunter, part of which was shot in The Mississippi Queen on Patpong.
Later, I was sitting close to the stage during a cabaret performance when my bottle of beer was knocked over by a cabbage of all things. The vegetable had bounced out of the cleavage of a dancer in one of those ladyboy shows and rolled along the stage before demolishing my beer.
The dancer left the stage considerably less well-endowed than when she had started. And no, I didn't take the cabbage home for dinner.
Weighty matters
Being Miss Universe is not an easy job. For a year the winner has to behave above and beyond the call of duty, and sometimes "the perfect woman" turns out to be not quite as perfect as hoped.
Venezuela's Alicia Machado won the title in 1996, shortly after a certain Donald Trump took over the franchise. Ms Machado completed her term, but had apparently become a little bit chubby. This displeased Mr Trump to no end, and he publicly referred to her as "Miss Piggy" and an "eating machine". She countered by saying that in every country she had to visit they insisted on stuffing her with the local delicacies and that it would have been rude to refuse.
Not a bad explanation really and she still looked lovely despite the extra pounds.
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