According to the Meteorological Department, Thailand's summer officially began last Thursday, amidst warnings that this year it will be even more torrid than ever. So you can put away your fur coats, scarves, snow boots and thermal underwear for the time being. While sweltering heat is not exactly welcome news, it hardly comes as a surprise. It is a trifle absurd to complain about the heat in Thailand. After all, that's what happens in the tropics -- it gets a bit steamy.
As we perspire our way through the coming months, we know it's either going to be hot, very hot or ridiculously hot. But this year it seems to have started a little earlier than usual and although we are only in February, it's already "a bit on the warm side". I'm not sure what happened to the "cool season" this year, although I recall a couple of non-perspiring days in early January. I think that must have been Bangkok's winter.
Of course the sensible way to handle hot weather is to do as little as possible and I think I've finally got the hang of it. But it is not as easy as it sounds. You can even build up a sweat thinking about doing nothing. The experts are undoubtedly those officials we read about who are transferred to inactive posts. They reportedly receive special training in doing nothing and are particularly adept at it in hot weather. During the summer maybe it would be an idea to transfer the whole country to one big inactive post. That sounds like the ideal society -- everyone loafing around doing nothing.
Cool customers
At this time of the year, the malls come are very useful in beating the heat. You can hang around in these shopping palaces without actually spending any money, making the most of the air-conditioning. In this respect they have taken the place of the old cinemas.
When I was first in Thailand, there were no shopping malls and hardly any department stores. I recall being surprised how many Thais went to the cinema during the daytime. Even the shows at noon were popular. Of course it was an inexpensive way of keeping cool. The cheap seats were six baht and even the most expensive were about 30 baht. It didn't really matter what film was showing, just as long as the air-conditioning was working everyone was happy. Citizens would go to the cinema to enjoy an afternoon nap, a natter with their friends and occasionally even to watch the film.
A man for all seasons
It was Samuel Johnson who back in the 18th century wrote, "When two Englishmen meet, their first talk is the weather", and things haven't changed. During the week I was talking with another long-term English expat and we agreed that the one thing we miss about our home country is the four seasons or, perhaps more truthfully, three of the seasons. Winter is bit of a hard sell, although a sunny day in December can admittedly be quite pleasant. In the UK when you go to bed, you can never be totally sure what weather awaits you in the morning. But in Thailand you don't have to be a weather expert to know you won't have to get the winter woollies out.
My favourite season in the UK is spring, although that is possibly influenced by the fact that my last visit three years ago happened to be early April, the height of spring. An unexpected bonus was that it was also sunny. I was lucky to experience the Sussex countryside where everything was turning green or coming to life. Leaping lambs, buttercups and daisies, blooming bluebells and babbling brooks -- it was a poet's delight. Then on a trip to Scotland the country roads north of Glasgow were lined with wild daffodils, a wonderful sight that would have put William Wordsworth in raptures. Spring really sparks a feel-good factor. Perhaps Thailand should have a spring after all.
Forget the tan
For many people in Thailand, escaping to the beach is a relatively straightforward solution to keeping cool. Unfortunately this is not really an option for me. It will probably come as no surprise that Crutch is not exactly a beach boy and for good reason. Having been born with a light complexion, my delicate body refuses to go brown like normal people. Instead it turns a blotchy red like someone suffering from an unpleasant ailment.
That explains why, on excursions to the beach, I can usually be found hidden away in the shade of a coconut palm, getting bitten by unidentified crawling creatures and fending off vendors selling wooden elephants, stuffed squirrels and dodgy massages.
Flaking out
One of my more doubtful achievements is to have suffered sunstroke in England, a not inconsiderable feat considering the climate.
It happened when I was a child in the late 1950s in the sleepy seaside resort of Bournemouth after I had dozed off on the beach. Bearing in mind that experience, I have to be on the cautious side in Thailand and at times would be a good contender for the Whitest Man in Southeast Asia.
While friends return from the beach looking like bronzed Greek Gods, I end up resembling a moulting lobster, bits of skin flaking off everywhere -- not a pretty sight.
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