When I was about 12 I committed some misdemeanour in class and as a punishment the teacher ordered me to write a thousand-word essay on baseball and hand it in the next morning. This was something of a challenge as being an English kid I knew absolutely nothing about baseball other than it was some weird ritual they indulged in across the Pond.
Of course, there was no internet in those days so I was stuffed. I couldn't write 10 words about baseball let alone 1,000. Fortunately, my mother came to the rescue, discovering an ancient encyclopaedia which contained basic information about the game. I couldn't understand a word of it, but somehow managed to cobble together a couple of hand-written pages.
When I handed it in the next morning the teacher didn't even bother looking at it, which was a trifle annoying. He was simply satisfied that he had totally ruined my previous evening, knowing I had battled for hours with an entirely alien vocabulary of bunts, curve balls and stolen bases.
But things are very different these days with the latest developments in artificial intelligence (AI) available on the internet. It can come up with immediate creative responses on any subject making it look like it was written by a person rather than a machine. All it takes is a click on the laptop.
A friend tested one AI site recently asking it to "write a funny piece about Bangkok traffic policeman". He received a prompt reply: "Sure, here's a humorous anecdote about Bangkok's traffic police."
The following item is verbatim what AI came up with in a matter of seconds…
AI humour
"One day, a tourist visiting Bangkok was driving through the city when he saw a traffic police officer standing on the side of the road with a radar gun. As the tourist drove past, he noticed that the traffic officer was holding the radar gun up to his own head and seemingly measuring his own brain waves.
"The confused tourist pulled over and asked the officer what he was doing. The traffic officer replied with a straight face, 'I'm trying to see if I have enough brain waves to operate this radar gun.' The tourist couldn't help but burst out laughing at the officer's humorous response."
The AI report concluded …
"Bangkok traffic policemen are known for their wit and humour, and this anecdote is just one example of the clever and light-hearted approach they often take when enforcing traffic laws in the city."
Homework heaven
So that's how AI views our beloved traffic cops.
While it is hardly hilarious, it's encour- aging AI has a sense of humour. The final sentence even suggests that AI is not averse to tongue-in-cheek observations, because I'm not totally convinced many motorists have experienced the "light-hearted approach" of Bangkok's traffic policemen.
Anyway, best of luck to teachers trying to figure out if future essays submitted by pupils are actually written by the kids or just produced by a simple click. But at least it will be an improvement on my wretched baseball essay.
Countering copy cats
Teachers around the world already have enough problems trying to prevent students from cheating in exams and Thailand is no exception. It usually involves high-tech electronic gadgets.
Not quite so high-tech have been the measures employed to stop cheating. At one Thai university, to prevent students from copying one another they were made to wear a bizarre headgear of paper flaps, resembling blinkers you put on race horses. It looked quite absurd. The Civil Aviation Centre examiners took it one step further with students actually wearing cardboard boxes on their heads, a scene worthy of Monty Python.
On one occasion teachers were puzzled that many pupils sitting an exam appeared to be wearing wigs. They discovered the hairpieces concealed earphones on which the students received radio messages sent by accomplices.
Not much cop
One of the more entertaining cases occurred in 2012 when "inappropriate behaviour" was uncovered during the Thai police entrance exams. Large sums had reportedly been paid to a gang who through electronic gadgets provided answers to the multiple-choice questions.
The gadgets were hidden in the underwear of those taking the exams and only came to light when it was noticed that many applicants were scratching themselves in the nether regions. Interestingly some of the cheats still managed to fail, which was a bit of a worry.
We were assured it would never happen again and a couple of officers involved in the racket felt the full force of the law -- they were transferred to inactive posts.
The old days
When Crutch was a schoolboy, we had to rely on traditional forms of cheating like scribbling key dates in history on your arm. It really wasn't worth it because if caught you were likely to get six of the best. That wouldn't happen these days as the teacher would probably be arrested for assault.
In one French exam I recall the invigilator asking a classmate who he suspected of cheating, to stand up. As he did so there was a loud crash as the textbooks which had been on the pupil's lap clattered to the floor, prompting much mirth amongst the class. Adding to the entertainment the unfortunate pupil suffered several whacks of the "slipper".
Contact PostScript via email at oldcrutch@hotmail.com