It is that time of the year when columnists are expected to make a few pertinent predictions concerning what could be in store for the next 12 months. However, things are so unpredictable at the moment that even Nostradamus would struggle to come up with a half-decent forecast. We are also entering the Year of the Snake which is not particularly comforting.
Playwright Eugene Ionesco was spot on when he said "you can only predict things after they have happened." But that has never deterred this column. However we will look mostly on the bright side and leave the gloom and doom to the experts.
No doubt we will be treated to front page news bordering on the absurd, but that only adds to the entertainment. So, with just a smidgeon of unfounded optimism here are PostScript's predictions for 2025, culled from the traditional motley gathering of unreliable sources, boasters, blabbers and bluffers:
January
A musical video Live at the Hippodrome is released starring Moo Deng, the only hippopotamus in the world to predict Donald Trump would win the US election. Among the highlights is Moo Deng's hip-hop version of Mud, Mud, Glorious Mud. It also features contributions from the Nakhon Nowhere Dancing Buffaloes backed by the Klong Toey Stray Dogs Choir, although some of the canine offerings sound a bit "ruff".
February
To mark the Chinese Year of the Snake tourist officials announce a Miss Queen Cobra beauty contest in Bangkok. It is to be followed by similar pageants throughout Thailand including Miss Viper and Miss Banded Krait. After contestants object to being named after deadly serpents the organisers' suggestion of "Miss Rattler" prompts a mass walkout.
March
Edith Clampton (Mrs) announces she will shortly release her memoirs entitled How to Avoid Scruffy People: Putting the Riff-Raff in Their Place. During her time in Thailand accompanied by her maid (Khun Hazel) and driver (Khun Parker) Edith was a prolific contributor to PostBag offering her opinions on such sensitive issues as electric toothbrushes and portable potties. The memoirs include an entertaining anecdote from Australia. While looking for a rest-room in Mullumbimby Edith is taken to a "dunny" which she recalls was a "quite awful experience ".
April
In a grand ceremony the authorities announce that after a decade of diligent mulling, probing, pondering, deliberating, cogitating and contemplating by more than 100 committees the final decision on the proposed location of casinos in Thailand is not to make a decision. A leading official explains there is "no rush" and five sub-committees will be set up to reflect, ruminate and even excogitate before not coming to a decision again.
May
A survey shows "hub" is the most commonly used English word in Thailand. Whatever the subject, you will find a hub for it somewhere in the Land of Smiles. Most recently it has become a hub for hippopotamuses.
June
After many years of fervent debate over the purchase of a submarine it is announced the "big day" will soon be here. It is still unclear whether the Navy will end up with a submersible, frigate, trawler or rowing boat. At a special promotional event the general public are entertained with a free showing of the 1958 British film Up the Creek.
July
The samlor (tuk-tuk) is named by an international magazine as "Vehicle of the Year". The publication cites the tuk-tuk's ability to "perform a U-turn on a sixpence", and cleverly change direction without any warning. However, the magazine does concede tuk-tuks have an unfortunate habit of stalling at busy intersections and taking tourists to completely wrong destinations.
August
In celebration of the tuk-tuk award a leading Bangkok hotel announces an exciting new cocktail called "Shake, Rattle & Roll". According to cocktail experts the exotic drink is "just like taking a ride aboard a tuk-tuk", an experience you will never forget however much you might want to.
September
In their annual campaign to rid Pattaya of crime, police swoop on dozens of participants at the local Tiddlywinks Club. The gendarmes seize as evidence four "squidgers" and two dozen "winks". In a follow-up operation a lawn bowls club is raided. A number of elderly ladies are charged with being "in possession of a lethal weapon". Pattaya is subsequently declared "crime-free".
October
After a heavy thunderstorm in Bangkok, leading government officials are spotted shopping for Wellington Boots, sparking a flood alert in Bangkok and panic-buying of sandbags. A spokesperson explains they are only making preparations for the annual Miss Wellington Boot beauty pageant.
November
In an energy-saving measure all MPs agree to cycle to Parliament every day to set a good example. Unfortunately this bold initiative has to be scrapped after just one day as so many politicians fall off their bikes they cannot raise a quorum in Parliament.
December
The memoirs of Edith Clampton (Mrs) turn out to be a best-seller. Hailing the book as " a literary masterpiece" a leading critic highlights one particularly distressing situation related by Edith. Caught in severe Bangkok traffic gridlock an emotional Edith desperately struggles to use a portable potty in the back seat of her car. The critic observed: "Edith's graphic account of her travails with a potty conjure up a sobering image readers will never forget."
A Happy New Year to all readers. And don't forget your portable potties when travelling in Bangkok.
Contact PostScript via email at oldcrutch@hotmail.com