When a gay child has to deal with years of rejection at the hands of their own parents, writing a letter to them can help unleash years of pent-up hurt feelings that can hopefully eventually lead to some form of reconciliation.
It is with this hope that 40 heartfelt letters written by Thai lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) adults to their parents has been compiled in a recently-released book titled Dear Mom: LGBT's Heartfelt Letters To Their Parents.
Contributors and publishers alike have their collective fingers crossed that the letters will tug at the heartstrings of parents and loved ones who have failed to accept their gender-variant child.
"The book hopes to highlight the dire need for open dialogue between parents and their LGBT children," said veteran LGBT rights activist Anjana Suvarnananda, who spearheaded the publication of the book.
"Many have suffered in silence because their loved ones are not willing to accept them as LGBT. This only leads to bottled up emotions that eventually manifest in depression and suicidal tendencies."
The LGBT community has for a while been thinking of how best to address the issue of non-acceptance of queer children by their parents, she said. Getting people with direct experience to share their struggles in the form of a letter to their closest family member, in her opinion, is a powerful tool to create greater public awareness on this issue.
Anjana also contributed to this book by writing to the aunt who raised her about her personal struggles of being a lesbian. She admitted that while there is greater acceptance today for gays, there are still a number of traumatic stories of gender-variant individuals to make one realise that Thailand has a long way to go to reach a proper understanding on this subject.
"I wrote to a dear women who raised me," said the founder of Thailand's first LGBT rights organisation, the Anjaree Foundation. "Even though this aunt has passed away, the writing process was not an easy one for me. I cried when I wrote it. I cried again when I read my letter. Then there were more tears when I read the letters of the other contributors. Not all were sad though. What drove me to tears more were the touching thoughts that went behind the writing. I do believe the letters helped a lot of people to purge years of emotional baggage that they were carrying."
The need for family reconciliation is pivotal at an early stage for an LGBT individual if they are to move on in life successfully, she continued.
Drawing from personal experience, Anjana said: "In my early 20s, my girlfriend at the time was disowned by her family because of being a lesbian. She had to eventually leave home because of the pressure. It took years for her to reconcile with her parents. During the time she was estranged, she had to work to support herself. Due to this, she is not as successful as the rest of her siblings who had the support of the parents early in life."
Some of the more unfortunate cases do not live long enough to share their stories. One that still gets Anjana emotional was about a tomboy who was sent abroad by her family because they did not approve of her gender orientation.
When she returned for holidays, her aunt was hopping mad to see that she still dressed and acted like a tomboy. One day the aunt was complaining to the girl's mother on the phone, and just then, the tomboy came down with a gun, and just before shooting herself told her aunt "now you will not complain".
Anjana admitted that to complain about the negligence of one's parents is a touchy subject in Thai society, so most youngsters suffer silently and opt to bottle up their emotions. In their heart of hearts, she said, LGBT children realise that their parents' actions are based on their love for them; their desire to protect them from getting rejected by society.
However, she said, by attempting to change their offspring's gender orientation so they are accepted in society, parents do not realise they are hurting their children more than helping them.
Two of the other letters in the book come from Nada Chaiyajit and Anoporn Khruataeg, whose stories are no different from that of Anjana.
A transgender woman, Nada's "coming out" pretty much severed ties between her Muslim parents for seven years. Anoporn, on the other hand, had a mother who openly accepted her as a lesbian, but blamed herself for it.
Both of them agreed that writing helped them build a bridge of understanding between their parents and them. They found letters helped the writer have the time to arrange their thoughts, while the recipient could slowly come to terms with what has been written in his or her own time. Communication is the key to mending past hurts, said Anoporn.
"If you are afraid to have an emotional confrontation with your parents over this issue, writing is a great way to convey your message."
Nada chose to read the letter she wrote to her parents, starting from how she felt when she saw them after a long estrangement.
"I really missed my family," began Nada, who is also an LGBT rights activist. "I shared in my letter the anguish I felt when everyone in my dormitory went home for the holidays, while I had to stay alone, and other moments where I felt there was little to live for.
"Penning the letter helped me address feelings I had kept inside of me for years. I was rather glad to get rid of the emotional baggage I had been carrying since childhood. After I read the letter, my mother confided in me that my father was thrilled to have me home."
Anoporn was also relieved to get her mother to understand that she had nothing to do with her being a lesbian.
"My mother felt poor parenting and her spoiling me had lead to my becoming a lesbian. I share a good relationship with mum, so I spoke with her first and later wrote her a detailed letter of my coming out. Writing my thoughts on paper helped me to convey my message to her pretty well."
Dr Jiraporn Arunakul, adolescent medicine specialist at the Child and Adolescent Health Center, Ramathibodi Hospital, agreed that writing letters to share one's innermost thoughts with a loved one who has wronged you is an often redemptive experience.
In fact, she said, it can work in various ways, including self-analysis and emotional healing. Parents, on the other hand, get to know about their LGBT child's trials and tribulations during the years when the subject was too much of a taboo to speak about at home.
"Non-acceptance by one's parents can raise all sorts of emotional problems for the child. When it continues to go unaddressed, the individual is at risk of becoming suicidal, suffer depression and also perform poorly at school. So the need for open dialogue to address acceptance and understanding should be made a priority. Parents also need to be educated on what it means to be gender variant, it is not a choice," said Dr Jiraporn, founder of Gender Variation (Gen-V) Clinic at the hospital's Child and Adolescent Health Centre which provides help, advice and medical treatment to Thailand's gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender teens.
If both parties are not ready to have a conversation, writing is the best option, which should then serve as a channel to start a dialogue, continued the expert. The best scenario would be to have the parent reply to their child's letter.
She suggests three ways on how to start the progress. Having a sit down conversation would be the most favourable, followed by writing a letter, and lastly finding a trusted friend, relative, or even a doctor, to act as a mediator.
Dr Jiraporn said that the book not only addressed the issue of accepting LGBT children, but also what it meant to be gender-variant. Parents who accept their child often do so because they do not have any another choice.
"Parents have to understand that there is going to be gender variation, and that it is normal to be this way. When you understand the variation in genders, than you will understand why people are LGBT," she noted.
"Some parents show acceptance, but blame themselves for making their child gender-variant because they failed in parenting them. Deep-rooted fears that such behaviour is a disorder only adds fuel to the fire."
